INSULTS

We have entered a golden era of insults. I think this is because so many exceptionally stupid people are doing so many exceptionally stupid things, and the internet gives us the ability to both see these things and communicate with each other about them. For instance, Donald Trump does something mindnumbingly preposterous (like tell people to drink bleach or claim he’s pious), the entire world finds out about it, and a cavalcade of epithets are hurled in his general direction. This phenomenon is so prevalent that a helpful Reddit user posted this (scientifically acurate?) handy compound insult matrix in 2022. I especially like shitlord and twatwaffle.

Some of the insults in this matrix are a little bit too crass for me to use on a regular basis. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t shy away from an f-bomb, or anything particularly bawdy, but I generally prefer something a bit more clever.

Another class of insult that I really enjoy is the one that derisively calls into question the overall intelligence and behaviour of the target. One might think that something as simple as “idiot” would qualify in this list, but it doesn’t. “Idiot” just isn’t as derisive or specific for this category; it’s too broad. The type of insult that I’m referring to is somehow more clever yet more targeted and lowbrow than idiot. Additionally, these insults are very situational. Think of a mafia boss, watching his underlings poorly perform an interrogation of a rival mobster. Or, perhaps a a construction supervisor watching a team of workers slip into newly poured concrete. These are the kinds of insults you use before you, like Moe from The Three Stooges, knock Larry and Curly’s heads together.

So, here’s a list of my favourite insults:

Knucklehead

As in, “would you look at these two knuckleheads? They couldn’t find the broad side of a barn.” Etymology Online (EO) traces this all the way back to 1890 as a type of mechanical coupling device, but not as an insult until 1942. Merriam-Webster’s word use example is “I'd like to get my hands on the knucklehead who designed that paper-towel dispenser,” which I think is pretty good.

Chowderhead

This one is pretty much just a derivative of the above, and get used pretty similarly. Both can certainly be straight up insults that you use to indicate lack of intelligence or situational awareness, but they can also be amiable. For instance, if you know the target of these insults, someone with whom you’re friendly, you can use them in a jovial fashion. “Jimmy, I love you, but you really are a chowderhead sometimes.” I originally thought this insult came from the idea that a person’s head could be filled with chowder, which, one assumes, is less useful than being filled with brains. However, EO claims it’s actually from 1819 and a corruption of “chalter-head,” whatever the fuck that is.

Never!

Clown

This one can be particularly cutting if used properly. Back in 2013, Twitter (I refuse to call it X) user skullmandible dropped this excellent piece of analysis on us:

What kind of a name is “Eric” the Clown?

Goofball

This is one of my absolute favourites to use as a friendly epithet. I use this on my niece and their teenage friends on a regular basis. Originally, it was used to describe barbiturate sleeping pills in the late 1930’s. People would be accused of being “hopped up on goofballs,” but I don’t think anyone uses it this way too often anymore. The more good-natured insult took over in the late 50’s. The Simpsons even has a character named The Capital City Goofball, a baseball mascot, who dances to entertain fans and engage in various shenanigans. I’m pretty sure this is based on Philadelphia Phillies mascot, the Phillie Phanatic. If you want a definition of what a goofball is, that’s definitely the Phillie Phanatic. Just read up on his run-ins with legendary Dodgers’ manager, Tommy Lasorda.

And you thought Gritty was cool

Doofus

Sometimes this one is spelled “dufus,” which is what I prefer. M-W claims the first use of this was in 1960, but it might be a combination of “doo-doo” (who doesn’t love a good poop joke?) and “goofus” (which is another favourite of mine). I feel like this one is especially apt when dealing with a particularly clumsy and or confused person. Seinfeld’s Elaine Benes refers to Cosmo Kramer as a “hipster doofus,” but Jerry Seinfeld is an unabashed Zionist, so maybe I shouldn’t make reference to his show anymore? Maybe Jerry Seinfeld is a doofus.

Dingbat

Man, when was the last time you heard this one? I think it’s a bit misogyny coded, so maybe that’s why it’s fallen by the wayside? I seem to recall this being used in the 80s and 90s to describe women who were perceived as unintelligent, or as “bimbos.” Am I remembering that correctly? I don’t use “bimbo,” but I really feel like we can reclaim “dingbat” for the woke team. What is Trump if not a dingbat?

Asshat

This is probably the most recent one on the list. EO doesn’t even have a listing for it, which I seems entirely reasonable. I mean, if there’s any word that isn’t worthy of an entry in an etymology database, it’s the word “asshat.” M-W, on the other hand, has a fairly long entry that seems to point towards the idea that this came from people wearing their ass for a hat, or at least being threatened in such a fashion. Here’s an excerpt:

The seemingly nonsensical linking of ass and hat has a curious prehistory. Examples of the linkage can be found in dialogue lines from late-twentieth-century films: "Anyone found bipedal in five wears his ass for a hat!" (addressed to the employees of a bank as the robbers leave, Raising Arizona, 1987, script by Ethan and Joel Coen); "I like your ass. Can I wear it as a hat?" (a character's parody of a flirtatious advance, City Slickers, 1991, script by Lowell Ganz and Babaloo Mandel). Of more immediate etymological relevance may be this dialogue sequence from the television series That '70's Show: "RED: Eric, if you don't want to wear your ass for a hat, you'll get up here, pronto! DONNA: You better go. You know how that ass-hat screws up your hair" ("Red Fired Up," Episode 24 of Season 2, script by Dave Schiff, first aired May 8, 2000). The current meaning of asshat may be a reanalysis, perhaps in part based on the expression "have one's head up one's ass" (meaning "to be obtuse, be insufficiently conscious of one's surroundings"), perhaps in part due to simple phonetic similarity to asshole.

If it’s good enough for the four-time Academy Award winning Coen Brothers, it’s good enough for me.

READER SUBMISSIONS

What are your favourite fun insults? Reply by email and let me know and I’ll add the best submissions to this list.